Monday, 10 December 2012

The almost revenge of the wiggly bits

Note: This blog entry carries a NL (Nudity and Strong Language) rating

Following hot on the heels of a crashing migraine on Saturday brought on by a bit too much eating and drinking over the past week entertaining an overseas colleague, followed then by an extremely stressful Sunday of working on a partially downed company network, I get to work this morning - Monday morning - a day that will be forever etched with horror into the fabric of my life; I park my lumbering beast of an SUV into its usual parking space in my parking garage where I park every day without due incident .... except for today.

I park, I try to exit the vehicle, and my back seizes up, now to give a bit of side background I have had numerous back failures (ruptured disc's) over the years mainly due to stupidity involving large TV's, horse accidents, climbing accidents, car tyres, some more climbing accidents, picking papers up off the floor and so on ad nauseum......

So as I was typing.... I try to exit said vehicle and my back seizes up in the most incredible spasm, I am left hanging with one hand on the top of the door and the other on the edge of the roof, a bit of orangutan in the positioning - not pretty....... when along comes an at the time very bright idea.... put on the body brace I keep in the car, so I maneuver myself slowly around the entire rear of the vehicle looking in all the windows to see where it is while hanging onto any part of the car I can get a grip on....... Ah yes I remember...... its on the floor of the front passenger seat - furthest possible place to be.

Finally I get it out and realize I am not really going to make through the entire basement parking to the toilets.

So along comes second bright idea (they seem to migrate in herds where i'm concerned) ... put the brace on now!!! ......OH YES the ideas just keep on coming until someone starts running with scissors and puts an eye out...... now as I said -or maybe didn't say - I am parked up the top end of the basement right by the big automatic access gates - not a good place to be, but hey at this point as a beggar I can't be a chooser.... 

So I open the rear passenger door to stand behind to give a small modicum of privacy;  I lift my shirt and put on said brace, but now I have to get the brace inside my pants at the same time hanging from the door in the now very familiar orangutan position, I undo my belt and pants button and attempt to work the brace down my torso to a comfortable position and then........ FWWWOOOOOPPPPPP my pants do the most remarkable exit towards my ankles..... OH CR@@@@@@P , I nearly have a brain hemorrhage with shock, break out in a sweat.... eyeballs bulging in horror, pants down there, me up here and no clue how to recover my dignity, I am not surprised the entire building didn't come running down to catch up on the latest bad language .... the only way this day could have got any worse was for another car to enter the basement....

Don't Panic.... Don't Panic...... another car could enter the basement at any moment.... So I slowly lower my self down still hanging onto car for dear life ..... don't dare fall over because then its over - me lying on the floor of the basement pants around my ankles ...... Yes I can picture the HR discussion even now..... grab onto pants with one hand pull myself up with the other, followed by a bit of frantic buttoning and buckling drenched in sweat, pain relieved, I exited stage left .... 
If anyone had had the misfortune of being in their car in the basement during the disaster and happened to view the escape of the wiggly bits, I trust that all that ensued was gasps of appreciation, but unfortunately and somewhat sadly no cheering, laughing, applauding crowds were left in my wake.

Moral of the story: Don't run with scissors, climb, ride horses, change car tyres or you too could be standing one day with your pants down round your ankles in a parking basement

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